today the funeral for my best friends stepfather took place.
a few days ago he lost his second father (or at least father figure) in his tiny eighteen years of life.
i can't imagine how hard it must be to loose two fathers in only eighteen years, and how hard it must be for his mother. i only feel helpless and deeply sorry, but that's nothing compared to their feelings.
again i've learned that life is precious and that one should not waste it or throw it away so easily, and again i've learned that actually i am the lucky one because my story isn't hardest, though it may destroy.

it pains me so much to see his tears, and lately there's no shine in his eyes and his smile is artificial.
he hardly cries. he's such a brave little sparrow. i promised to visit the grave with him, and i'll keep his fragile soul together and hold his hand. we'll take a walk under the withering trees and play hide-and-seek between the tombstones, and we'll laugh - because graveyards are the playground of us shattered.

i'll try to be there for him as good as i can.

Capra and me talked to ~Catulus in Skype moments before,
and we hadn't phoned for ages.
And now I feel funny. [ Btw, watch this: [link] ]
I feel delighted. And now I have to go to bed.
I'm happy. I love you all. CATU, she's still sunny! ♡




^{Edit. I finally bought 'City of Glass' by Cassandra Clare.
And i'm so looking forward to reading it!
Jace, Clary.. Luke, Simon.. Isabelle.., Alec and Magnus! Ohhww!! ♡}

title is considered to mean something like "you're the stupid cute child in me that simply won't accept anything". everlasting beast - everlasting best. because i also love him. it was in my mind about my not-quite-best-friend. you know, not the guy i had a crush on but the guy who has the "best-friend"-status but isn't called like this because my ex-crush already has this name.
i know, it's somewhat complicated.. but i don't want to confuse you.
i want to get something out, sort of weep it out. so you actually can stop reading here. (:


my best friend, i'll simply call him like this now, is desperately in love with his "best friend". no, that's not me what actually hurts me a bit, but well.. he's in love with her and i think for this reason he calls her his "best friend". (i also did that, remember?) this gives you kind of satisfaction because if you can't get them as your love you can at least get them as your best friend. having someone as your best friend is directly under or even over the level of having them as your love. so you feel at least a bit better, a tinywhiny little bit. you keep telling yourself that your "best friendship" is much stronger and that you mean much more to them than their love (what's nonsense most times).

i told him once, but he didn't want to hear that. he cried for days. i felt horrible for disturbing his (namely false) hope! if you love someone in this abnormal way then hope is the only thing you can hold on to; and if someone disturbes this hope you are totally down. i know it from my own experience. you act like a naïve kid, and you know it, but you don't want to realize it. living in your own little picture book doesn't hurt as much as taking the feelings how they are. keeping doesn't hurt as much as letting go - but it hurts longer.

at the moment he's spamming her with all his feelings and he's crying and shivering. i want to hold him and i tell him i love him as my best friend forever, but it doesn't reach his heart. in his eyes she's the only one to ever help him, but he's not looking left and right. there are his friends waving and smiling and welcoming him. but he doesn't see us. he's just seeing her.

i feel so helpless. i don't know what to do, i can just tell him i am there and cuddle him to death every weekend. i miss him badly and i want to hold him right now, but even if i did it wouldn't help him.
'she is the only way out she is the only way out she is the only way out..'

but what can i do?

the text above was in my head. i had to write it down somewhere but i didn't feel like loading it up here on dA. i mean, it's just ghost letters, isn't it. and btw it's a good introduction to start up with some teenage waste so - d o . n o t . r e a d . a h e a d . ♡


well, there's everything said in the writing above.
i was his doll to play with and he was mine, but love killed it, again.
lulz.

maybe it isn't even as serious as the last two times.
(please don't tell me i'd love another boy every mouthful because that isn't right.
i was in love with two while i felt more like 'addiction' for one of them.
two times in one and a half year, maybe the third time now. not much compared to others, huh?)

gosh, i have issues. anyway.

i'm very good friends with his ex. she still loves him and he still kissed her, sometimes, but then he dumped her finally. it seemed she had got over him so he started a little game with me and i joined. it was fun for a while then we lost control. none of us wanted this to happen but he fell in love with me and, shocked as i was, i rejected him. he desperately asked me not to end the game but i did. for a while it felt right but then i started to miss him more and more. now that he makes out with his ex again i crash,

and i wonder why because actually it mustn't touch me a bit.

EDiT. no photos fwoa you! i'm sorry, but they just photographed my head. there's not one picture where you can see my dirndl. but i'll go to the Oktoberfest again next saturday, then somebody will take one, i promise. (:


firstly: thank you all for the kind comments on my last entry (but you told me).
i'm doing much better, probably it was the shock that overcame me. but anyways: ♡ !

today i visited the Oktoberfest with some friends. you may know it. well, we had great fun there though we're down and out now, there's no money left at all! first we got into some rollercoasters, then we spent hours searching for friends in the crowd and when we had just found them i had to go doing my dancing lesson. after that i went right back to the Oktoberfest (or Wies'n what we call it). we planned to enter a marquee (one of those big party tents) but we didn't get in because they all had yet closed (to many people)! so.. it was around 8pm. some of us wanted to get into some rollalercoasters again and the others wanted to get a beer. so we parted for a while and i had great fun at the rollercoasters again. (: we met around 23pm at a bar. there we got drunk so that the way home was kind of the funniest time of my day (though every second was more than enjoyable).

btw: i wore a 'Dirndl', that's what we call the traditional dresses for women. men wear 'Lederhosn'.
sort of funny, i know. but old-fashioned dresses tuned up with modern style look cool, ya really!
wanna see photos? i got some on my camera.. (: this photo above was also taken today.

uhm.. there's much more i want to tell you actually but i'm cold, my room is like iiicey, and i'm oh so tired. and maybe a little bit drunken. ('drunken lullabies' by flogging molly is a great song btw.)

well, more to come tomorrow (i suppose).
hugs 'n kisses, 'n some love!