kidney vetch (/'kɪdnɪ vĕch/).
· also known as anthyllis vulneraria or woundwort ;
· vulneraria means
'wound healer' ;
· foodplant of the
small blue butterfly larvae
// autumn's epilogue .i was kind of hoping my next journal would bring good news. i want to tell you unimportant nonsense just to show you i'm still here. but sadly (for me) the following words aren't nonsense. i have to get them out somewhere and my last try for a blog failed badly. i can't express myself in german anymore. it just sounds like dull. well, and it hurts when you notice that you aren't able to express yourself in your native speech. my words were my words, they were my friends - but i lost them somehow and it seems i won't find them anymore. sorry for bothering you like this. don't read ahead if you don't really want to.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _listen to
[link] to imagine how i feel.
the first minute isn't metal, i promise. but it will tell enough. if you like metal, listen ahead.
i'm desperate, or better disturbed.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _// winter's prologue .what can hurt more than hate? it's love.
i was hoping to be ok again, now that i got over the boy i was madly obsessed with. for some weeks i had peace & quiet what was really good - but then the next boy appeared. he has actually been there before, but he hadn't given me any signs of love until a few weeks ago. he's been my best buddy for about five months and whenever the others failed to cheer me up he did it somehow.
his way of making me smile is totally different, but it always works.
once he asked me if the other boy (i badly adored) had thanked me for this. i didn't answer but he exactly knew the boy hadn't. this question made me think about my adoration the first time and furthermore i was so touched that i nearly cried.
he is made of mere go(o)dness.
my friends were lovely as they tolerated my obsession with the other boy, but he didn't and for this reason he was (is) wonderful. without him i would still squeak whenever watching a picture of my ex-crush. gosh, it became ridiculous but when the others started to laugh he stayed seriously. he finally made me realize the boy wasn't worth it.
i
think he is in love with me -
if he hadn't got a girlfriend it would be so evidently. he's always in fight with her and though he seems to be a hard metalhead he's totally sensitive. sadly he never talks about his feelings - not even to me. at the moment he's in a bad mood whenever he's in contact with his girlfriend. it has to be a terrible pain for him but every try to help him failed so far. it hurts me too, it hurts me badly.
he means so much to me.
he's been flirting with me for a few weeks, even in the presence of his girlfriend. she isn't stupid and immensely jealous. i like her, but when she starts shouting at him i have the desperate need to hit her fair in her face. i
really like her. she's such a nice girl. but as a girlfriend she isn't fitting for him. i've been knowing him for only seven months while she's been knowing him for almost two years, but she doesn't understand his inner feelings. honestly, she's far too rude. and he's getting hurt by her more and more.
it's hard to stand this.
he helped me so much and i can do nothing but wait. they don't manage to finish this, they just fight more and more. he keeps giving her chances and she's waisting them, one by one. they're destroying themselves and eachother, and their friendship - or what's left of it. luckily he doesn't see how much i am involved, because otherwise he'd feel even more guilty. but it hurts. and i wish i could do anything. it's not just watching him collapsing -
i have to hurt him too.
i can't respond to his sweet bitchiness which i love or his compliments hidden between common words because i mustn't show him a bit of love. i don't want him to hurt his girlfriend because of me. he'd blame himself forever. but rejecting him hits him badly, and me too. i don't want to! it's not my feelings! but showing him what i really feel is worse.
i'm bursting
because i have to hide it.
but i love him.
that i'm sure.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _// winter's epilogue, endzeit .what can hurt more than hate? it's love.
his way of making me smile is totally different, but it always works.
he's made of mere go(o)dness. i
think he's in love with me.
he means so much to me. it's hard to stand this.
i have to hurt him too. i'm bursting.
but i love him.
kidney vetch. 
Pain
Devious Comments
Es tut so schrecklich weh, wenn man sieht wie ein Mensch, den man so sehr liebt, leidet, und man nichts tun kann.
Ich will dir noch so viel mehr sagen, aber ich kann es nicht ausdrücken. Aber ich glaube du weißt auch so, was ich sagen will.
Desshalb.
--
Ihr seid da, darum hab ich mich verändert
und ich hab mich, denk ich zum bess'ren verändert
Ich liebe uns, Danke <3
You say you cannot look at him destroying himself and collapsing because of that. But look what you're doing! You are destroying yourself and you're crushing and collapsing. I've been watching it for quite a while now and I thought, that someday you'll realise that you're behaving completly stupid and childish. I know that those words are hard and probably not nice, but I just cannot keep on watching you because it hurts me so bad. And I feel guilty and desperate.
Lucky, I know that you are a strong and loving person. That you're nice and always want the best for others, but because of that you forget your own needs and feelings.
You say that she's wrong for him, that she hurts him and kills him inside. Come on, you love that boy! How can you let that happen to him? You're the perfect girlfriend for him and you know it. Because you know him. Please, be egoistic and forget your selflessness just once. You have to be happy! You endured so much in your life and you do so deserve some love and understanding.You deserve, you need, someone who loves you deeply and seriously, someone who cares for you and understands you. Someone like him.
So screw everything and just go for it! Yes. She will be hurt. And yes. He will be hurt aswell. As will you. But that won't last. You all will get over it. Not everything in life is easy and you know that. When did you stop fighting? My darling, my love. Fight. Please. Fight for your own happiness and future.
I won't stand here and watch you dying.
Außerdem ist es ein wahnsinnig gutes Gefühl,
zu wissen, dass jemand da ist.
Danke. (:
--
you know that i care what happens to you -
and you know that you care for me too - -
let`s colour our world together.
aye...wie gern würd ich dir deinen ganzen Schmerz abnehmen, nur damit es dir endlich weider wirklich gut geht, und du nicht innerlich weinen musst, wenn du nach außen hin lachst...
Wenn ich dich sehe, kommen mir meine Probleme ganz klein vor, komm ich mir klein vor, kommen mir die Gefühle klein vor, die ich hege. Du bist fähig so stark zu fühlen, dass es einem fast das Herz bricht. Du beeindruckst mich immer wieder, und du kämpfst weiter, auch wenn kein Ende zu sehen ist...
Du schaffst es immer wieder, dass ich mich hilflos fühle...weil ich nicht helfen kann. Wenn ich wüsste, was dir für alle Zeiten hilft, ich würds tun.
--
Icon by *Herzlose
Alle Probleme sind von Gewicht, ob nun groß oder klein, denn sie schaden einem Menschen. Dabei geht es nicht darum, die eigenen mit den Problemen anderer zu messen und sich klein zu fühlen und unbedeutend. Es geht viel mehr um die Selbstlosigkeit, die eigenen Probleme für einen Moment zu vergessen und sich ganz denen des anderen hinzugeben. Doch das verlange ich von keinem, weil ich selbst es wahrscheinlich auch nicht tun kann.
Du unterstützt mich schon damit, dass du mir zeigst, wie sehr du mit mir fühlst. Die Gewissheit, nicht alleine zu sein und verstanden zu werden, erleichtert meine Probleme oft ungemein. Dafür dank ich dir. Das ist selbstlos genug und mehr, als ich verdiene.
--
you know that i care what happens to you -
and you know that you care for me too - -
let`s colour our world together.
Wait for the postman. You'll know more in about a few days.
I love you.
--
you know that i care what happens to you -
and you know that you care for me too - -
let`s colour our world together.
--
Icon by *Herzlose
--
you know that i care what happens to you -
and you know that you care for me too - -
let`s colour our world together.
You'll receive the answer in about a few days...it depends on the postman.
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